I Look Good and I Do What I Want

a journey of loving my body and myself

that was smart May 5, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Mae @ 3:30 pm
Tags: ,

Writing that entry yesterday was pretty painful for me. I try very hard not to pick at those old, childhood scabs and I picked at them pretty hard yesterday. So, I brilliantly decided to have a glass of wine. Which somehow turned into two glasses, then a bottle, then two bottles.

On a Sunday night, and I had to be at work this morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by 9:00 a.m.

Ouch.

I feel terrible, like I was run over by a bulldozer. Now, drinking is not usually how I stuff my feelings down. Normally I accomplish that pretty neatly with food. One thing the lap-band has done for me is basically take away my ability to truly binge. I just can’t eat as much as I used to, unless its in liquid form. I could gain weight if I were sucking down multiple milkshakes in a day but that requires leaving my house. So last night I made a homemade pizza (pretty dang good) with homemade dough, homemade sauce, mushrooms, mozzarella, and pepperoni. I ate about four square slices (there are 6 left) from a large rectangular pan.

But that was not enough to make me feel better so I went to the fridge for some wine. And I just didn’t feel like stopping.

At least I didn’t drunk dial anyone and say things I would be embarassed about today. My husband called (he is out of town, working) at the time he normally calls to say good night and was pretty amused. He wouldn’t be so amused if he knew why I had been drinking.

I am paying for it today. I am very badly hungover. Guh. It wasn’t even good wine– it was a bottle of Two Buck Chuck Sauvignon Blanc ($3) followed by a bottle of Crane Lake Pinot Grigio ($4).

Today I’ve had a sesame bagel with generously-applied lowfat strawberry cream cheese and my usual double-mug of coffee with Splenda and a wee bit of creamer. I’ve got a Lean Cuisine for lunch, a banana and a cashew granola bar for snack. If I am still alive by then.

I picked up some advice from a message board I frequent: a girl, a dieter, recommended to other dieting girls that they buy a notebook and each day write in five things that they “did well” that day. Not necessarily logging food intake (that makes me all twitchy) but things like, “today I took the stairs instead of the elevator.” She said she has been doing it for months and months (is now on her second notebook) and that its really a great mood-booster. I am considering doing something similar but maybe instead or also doing five things I like about myself or my body. 

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3 Responses to “that was smart”

  1. Juliet Says:

    I related quite easily to your story, only for me it was an aunt, not a stepmother, who put me on a diet at the age of 8 and bragged about how thin she was constantly (and in the cruel and funny world we live in, her metabolism finally caught up with her and she’s now what most would call “fat”). I understand how talking about it is sometimes like opening up wounds… I’ve had times where I thought I was beyond a scab, and onto scars, and yet when prodded and poked at long and hard enough, those scars proved only to be really thick scabs (wow, this metaphor has gotten sort of gross).

    My aunt is a miserable, sick person. What made it so hard, is that I wanted her to like me. I admired her. I looked up to her, and there were some positive things she gave me, but because they were contaminated by her negativity over the years, it took me a while to recognize those positive things (like my love of writing, something only she appreciated).

    I’m glad you’ve shared your story, but I’m sorry it was hard for you, and I understand that pain very well.

  2. Mae Says:

    Its only really recently that I’ve come to truly understand that my stepmother suffered from huge body image and self-esteem problems, and that is why she treated me that way. As a kid I’d fully internalized that, as the adult and authority, she was correct and I was clearly defective.

    I wanted so desperately for her to like me. She used to say, “I love you but I don’t like you,” because she defined “love” as doing the things required to keep a child alive: to provide shelter, food, water, and to keep me from getting hit by a car or kidnapped. I still suffer greatly from a desire for a mother-figure. It colors all my interactions with female authority figures.

    I realize now it is almost 100% impossible for her (about 5’6″ tall, slender but with generous hips) to have weighed less than 100 pounds while pregnant. I realize she was probably incapable of accepting me because of traumas from her own childhood (she was raised by a stepfather).

    I don’t have a relationship with her anymore because, as you so eloquently stated it, her negativity contaminated me. I needed to get away to even survive. She wasn’t an evil villain, just a screwed up woman who got herself into a situation that she didn’t want to be in. I hope some day I can appreciate the things she did right. I am not there yet.

  3. Caitlin Says:

    picked up some advice from a message board I frequent: a girl, a dieter, recommended to other dieting girls that they buy a notebook and each day write in five things that they “did well” that day.

    I do this with things I’m grateful for. I was sceptical it would make a difference before I did it, but good god, it changed my whole outlook on life. So doing it with five things you like about yourself or your body couldn’t help but be awesome. In fact, I might start incorporating that myself. Thanks.


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