Writing that entry yesterday was pretty painful for me. I try very hard not to pick at those old, childhood scabs and I picked at them pretty hard yesterday. So, I brilliantly decided to have a glass of wine. Which somehow turned into two glasses, then a bottle, then two bottles.
On a Sunday night, and I had to be at work this morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by 9:00 a.m.
I feel terrible, like I was run over by a bulldozer. Now, drinking is not usually how I stuff my feelings down. Normally I accomplish that pretty neatly with food. One thing the lap-band has done for me is basically take away my ability to truly binge. I just can’t eat as much as I used to, unless its in liquid form. I could gain weight if I were sucking down multiple milkshakes in a day but that requires leaving my house. So last night I made a homemade pizza (pretty dang good) with homemade dough, homemade sauce, mushrooms, mozzarella, and pepperoni. I ate about four square slices (there are 6 left) from a large rectangular pan.
But that was not enough to make me feel better so I went to the fridge for some wine. And I just didn’t feel like stopping.
At least I didn’t drunk dial anyone and say things I would be embarassed about today. My husband called (he is out of town, working) at the time he normally calls to say good night and was pretty amused. He wouldn’t be so amused if he knew why I had been drinking.
I am paying for it today. I am very badly hungover. Guh. It wasn’t even good wine– it was a bottle of Two Buck Chuck Sauvignon Blanc ($3) followed by a bottle of Crane Lake Pinot Grigio ($4).
Today I’ve had a sesame bagel with generously-applied lowfat strawberry cream cheese and my usual double-mug of coffee with Splenda and a wee bit of creamer. I’ve got a Lean Cuisine for lunch, a banana and a cashew granola bar for snack. If I am still alive by then.
I picked up some advice from a message board I frequent: a girl, a dieter, recommended to other dieting girls that they buy a notebook and each day write in five things that they “did well” that day. Not necessarily logging food intake (that makes me all twitchy) but things like, “today I took the stairs instead of the elevator.” She said she has been doing it for months and months (is now on her second notebook) and that its really a great mood-booster. I am considering doing something similar but maybe instead or also doing five things I like about myself or my body.